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Stealing Dead Whales is NOT Tolerated


At work today, Ira showed me a list of ‘six mistakes not to make when you’re in England’ that she found on a Russian website. She asked me how many of them were true. Here’s the list, see what you think:
1.       Don’t ask too many personal questions.
2.       Respect queues – nobody will confront you if you skip them, but you’ll get some aggy looks.
3.       Always buy entire rounds of drinks, it’s impolite to just buy one for yourself.
4.       Don’t call the whole of Great Britain England – especially to Welsh people.
5.       Don’t rent a car, just take public transport. You might forget to drive on the left.
6.       Don’t forget to say please and thank you!

What do you reckon? I thought it was a really interesting insight into the Russian perception of Brits. Personally, I think numbers 2, 4, and 6 are probably correct. I’ve already noticed that queuing culture in Russia is substandard, so it probably does come as a surprise to them when Brits form orderly lines in supermarkets. And the point about not calling the whole of Britain ‘England’ is probably a sensible one (Ira said that in Russia, the two are more or less interchangeable). And of course, good old number 6… I laughed at it at first, but Ira pointed out that I use the Russian word for ‘thank you’ at least ten times every hour, and she does have a point. I tell myself that this is just because I don’t have good enough Russian to express understanding, gratitude, or just the end of a conversation any other way. In reality though, I think it probably is my Englishness shining through. I’ve got some withering looks from ticket inspectors on the bus when I say ‘thank you’ after buying a ticket. I think they’re just not used to it – the transactions tend to be silent. It always looks like they’re trying to gauge whether I’m being sarcastic or just foreign. I find that funny, being polite actually makes you seem like you’re being rude.

But as for numbers 1, 3, and 5… Surely they’re all rubbish. There’s no rule against asking people about their job or anything, is there? I mean this is coming from a country where the term ‘…if it’s not a secret’ is embedded in the vernacular. And whoever dreamed up number 3 has definitely never met students. A whole round of drinks might be affordable in Krasnoyarsk, but I’m pretty sure that’s bankruptcy material in London. And don’t rent a car!? What?? I don’t understand how THAT works… I mean we Brits go on holiday to places where they drive on the right more or less every time we leave Britain. We don’t insist on being chauffeured around like some monumentally dumb VIP then, we damn well rent a car and try to remember not to drive into oncoming traffic. It isn’t that hard.

So I decided to go online and see whether the internet had anything more convincing to offer. Oh boy oh boy. They have some funny ideas about traditions in England. One website says, and I quote ‘When greeting a lady, it is not customary to kiss her hand – it is better to tilt your head slightly in greeting or shake your hand a little’. Love it. In my honest opinion, tilting your head in combination with shaking your left hand just a tiny bit is the politest greeting in the book, and should always be done by foreigners aiming to make a good impression in England. The same article said that raising your eyebrows should be avoided at all costs, turning a glass upside down when you’ve finished drinking will get you into a fight, and that there are bans on kissing in certain train stations (very big if true).

Another website, presumably aimed at a slightly different readership, helpfully suggested that you should try and stay away from domestic violence and carrying knives when in England (I’m not exaggerating at all, I wish I were). One of the other headings was ‘Do not lift skirts or engage in any kind of peeping’… Perhaps the most perplexing was ‘Stealing dead whales is also not tolerated’.

So there you go, that’s how we come across to the rest of the world. I think I might just go ahead and renounce my British citizenship now that I’m also OFFICIALLY IRISH (yay)!

PS I saw a sign for a café on my walk home today, it said: Café. Open 1-2.

Also, this. Is this a joke?


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